Why an implant all of the sudden?

For years now, my ENTs have been touting the benefits of a cochlear implant. They, along with some people who were 'in-the-know' about this sort of thing (like Ed Szypulski back home!), have always told me that I would make a wonderful candidate for a cochlear. Unfortunately, for me, I took all these suggestions with a grain of salt. For me, I was just happy maintaining the status quo of wearing my hearing aids. As long as they were working well, I figured, why change a good thing? The thought of having a 'safety cushion' of a cochlear implant was one that comforted me greatly. I figured if anything ever went wrong with my hearing, I was in good shape because of the cochlear, and I also naively proclaimed that I was 'waiting' for better technological advances in cochlears before I would consider one. In reality, I think I really was just comfortable with my hearing aids and knew that I was more than capable of being successful in life with just a hearing aid. In case you don't know, I've only worn one hearing aid (in my right ear) for the last seven years. Don't really know what happened with the hearing in my left ear, but after I lost the hearing in my left ear, I went to just one in the right and that's when I first started hearing about a cochlear.

Having hearing in both ears makes a world of difference that some people may be unaware of. In fact, I was unaware of these differences until several years AFTER I'd stopped wearing a hearing aid in my left ear. I eventually realized that being able to hear in only one ear meant it was nearly impossible for me to locate the direction from which sounds were coming from. People would call my name, and I would frantically search for the person calling me (and feel like an idiot in the process). Apparently with hearing in both ears (and I later read about this in one of those "Deaf-people" magazines), the brain is able to subconsciously tell which ear the sound is loudest in, and is then able to locate the sound. For example, the sound coming in the left ear is louder than the same noise's sound coming in the right ear, thus, the sound must be closer to the left ear, and the brain tells the head to look left. Make sense? I hope so...

This has been majorly frustrating...not to mention the fact that it gets VERY tiresome (and occasionally painful) having to hold my phone to my right ear any and every time I have a phone conversation with someone that lasts over twenty minutes. Believe me, I've had many of these! But for some reason, despite the frustrations with relying on the hearing in my right ear only, I never really fully understood that I could actually consider getting a cochlear in my left ear to complement the hearing aid in my right ear.

I must stress, however, that I don't think this is the fault of my ENTs or anyone else for that matter. I think the fact that I never TRULY considered a cochlear before this semester, despite seven years of using the limited hearing in my right ear, is a testament to the fact that I've been able to do so well in spite of the limited amount of hearing I've had the past few years. There were problems and trials, but nothing I was unable to overcome (was it God? I think so!)

So back to this summer and actually deciding on a cochlear implant...

Over Christmas break (the first one home from college!), without warning, I lost my hearing in my right ear. I remember it like it was yesterday...my world just absolutely crashed around me, without warning, during one of the happiest periods of my life. I was sitting on the couch, in an empty house, watching TV (on mute) when I felt my cell phone vibrating. Opened my phone to see that it was Mandy C. calling me, and when I answered the phone, her voice sounded very far away. I thought my hearing aid had gone bad (like it does when I sweat), so I told her I'd call her back in a few minutes. I can usually hear on my cell without my hearing aid if I turn the volume up, so I did that and called her back without my hearing aid. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear anything, and I panicked and hung up...then I started freaking out. Mom came home, calmed me down, and we decided to give it a few days before calling the doctor. After a few days of no improvement, we visited MUSC and left without really being able to hear anything definitive as to the cause of my sudden loss of hearing other than "although it's unpredictable and we're not sure exactly what causes it, it can happen to people with your type of hearing loss". Well, great! That's what I wanted to hear!

So I got on a prescription of steroids and after about two weeks of no hearing, I felt like it was coming back...and sure enough, I put on my hearing aid and it was back for the most part. A week later, I went back to school, and three days later after returning to school, I went to the Clemson/UNC basketball game and absolutely cheered my heart out. We lost, but it was a fun game, until the next morning when my ear began ringing louder than anytime I've ever experienced. I called my mom, despite the fact that I could barely hear through the ringing noise, and as I spoke to her on the phone, I could actually FEEL my hearing slip away. The first time I lost my hearing over break was pretty bad...but this time, it was REALLY bad...not only was I slowly beginning to realize that this problem wasn't "over and done with," but now I was nearly 300 miles away from the two people who've fought alongside me every step of the way through my battle with a hearing impairment.

So, long story short, I kept getting back on the 'roids...but after that first prescription, with limited success. My hearing would come back about once a week or two, and would remain for two or three days before disappearing again, without warning. There seemed to be very little explanation for this. My already difficult second semester became even more stressful as I have been forced to learn concepts in two difficult classes (Calculus II and Physics) with absolutely no hearing. I'll probably mention a little more about this in a later entry...

In any case, about the only positive thing about losing my hearing for an extended period of time is that now I can officially say, despite being termed 'hearing-impaired', I TRULY know what it's like to be completely deaf. I am almost hunbled by experience of becoming accustomed to life without hearing. It was a constant challenge, and one that I would not have been able to do without supportive friends from PSA and elsewhere. The experience of living life as a completely deaf person has really changed a lot of my views on life and made me SO much more thankful for the blessing of EIGHTEEN years of at least SOME hearing. I know how hard it is to NOT rely on hearing vehicles when crossing the street...I HAD to look both ways, or cause an accident. I knew what it was like to not know the beauty of music. What it is like to not be able to call my parents. What it is like to have to tell friends that they couldn't call me...but they had to text me or IM me. What it is like to sit next to a girl with a charming personality and beautiful smile at a basketball game, yet be completely unable to strike up a conversation, for fear of looking like an idiot when having to explain why she would have to repeat herself or face me everytime she said something. Trust me, that's tough, especially in this college environment!

Fortunately, my hearing came back over spring break in a very limited fashion. I can hear fairly well enough to talk on the phone briefly. However, speech is much more distorted than it used to be, and I really have to rely on lip reading MUCH more than I did before break. But, even though my hearing seems to have stablized (it's been almost two months with my hearing back without losing it), I realized that I can no longer rely on my hearing to remain stable and consistent like I did before all of this happened. For that reason, the idea of a cochlear has looked MUCH more intriguing to me.

Thankfully, to allay any additonal fears I've had..my wonderful ENT has been there for me to talk this through with me and continually remind me that he believes I am a wonderful candidate for this operation. Having experienced the difficulties of being a hearing impaired person with limited hearing, I am in good shape to adjust to the initial differences in sound levels when I first receive my implant. There's so many factors, and i won't get into them now. I will say, however, that I think I'm in really good shape for this, and despite that, I continue to hope and pray for the best.

That about sums up how I ended up deciding to do this. If you're still reading this far, I definitely have to apologize for taking up so much space. I really do think that after the first few entries, after I start getting my thoughts off my chest more and more, that entries will become a bit more condensed and to the point. At least I hope so! Right now, there's so many thoughts running around in my head that it's very easy to get off topic and go on another tangent, as I did a few times in this entry.

Nonetheless, it's a very relaxing and liberating experience to allow my hands to just type my thoughts as they come to me...

Now, I am in college, and I have exams to study for and a HUGE load of laundry to do!

123 days to Clemson Tiger football and 5 more days until home to Chucktown!