A Whole New Identity

It's been about ten days since I've last posted...but a whole lot has happened since then. With the prospect of a Charleston summer on the suddenly not-so-distant horizon, I had first to finish my exams. Fortunately, I did well on all of them, including the dreaded Caclulus II exam. After a late Physics exam Saturday, it was home to pack for a boat trip to Florida with dad and granddad that proved to be an incredibly relaxing way to start the summer.

Now, I'm back from my trips, and I'm able to sit back and really enjoy summer in Charleston....at least until my operation.

Speaking of the operation, we've learned in the last few days that it will be on June 8th. The exact time is yet to be determined, but it should probably be sometime midday, if not in the morning.

I've had a lot of people tell me in the last few weeks that they've been not only learning a bit more about cochlear implants from the website I posted on this blog, but they've also been keeping me in their prayers. It is a wonderful feeling to know that so many people are keeping track of what's going on and really want to know how things are. The last few days have given me plenty of chances to reflect, and one thing that I've come to conclude is that the operation is probably the least of my worries.

While I'm definitely optimistic that the operation will go well and that I will gain a great amount of hearing, I must admit that I do have worries. The operating table, however, is the least of my worries, as I've been operated on a number of times and have never really found it to be a terrible experience. Certainly one to be avoided if possible. In any case, I am more worried about adjusting to life after the operation...life with an implant. A cochlear implant is much more noticeable than a hearing aid...it's bigger and will stretch from my ear to the back of my head on the left side. Also, it definitely will sound different, and this will also require an adjustment.

I don't think the sounding different part will be a problem. I know it'll be frustrating at times, but I really do hope that it will not take much time for me to get used to the increased levels of sound and the different hearing experience with which they will bring. The changes in sound should be positive, for the most part, and so I can handle that. The change in appearance will be a little harder. While it may be easy for people to say that appearances don't matter, and that I shouldn't worry about this...it's very easy to TELL people this than to believe it yourself. Human nature causes people to naturally notice things that are out of place or foreign. A cochlear implant definitely falls on this list, as it is a very rare thing to see, and can definitely seem out of place at times. I know I've been guilty of 'noticing' a person with a cochlear more so than I would notice the 'regular' person standing next to them. It's just human nature and curiosity that draws people's attention to this sort of thing.

I really do feel like there will be a bit of an identity shift, and I'm not really sure how that will go. With my hearing aid, I've established an identity for myself that I am comfortable with. Knowing who I am and what I am capable of is and always will be an important part of my identity and how I put myself forth in the world. With a cochlear, I will be initially unsure of my capabilities and my limitations, it will take me a bit longer to learn these sorts of things. While it may be easy to think I can accomplish this by the end of the summer, it will all have been done in the safety of my home and surroundings in which I have lived these last ten years. The real challenge, I think, will come when I step back into the ever-changing uncertainties of the college environment at Clemson. Being independent certainly has its advantages, but in times like these, it can be especially scary because you have to deal with your problems on your own.

But, I'm not too terribly worried. Like I said, I have met so many great people in the last few years. Some I met at Clemson, others I've known much longer than that who may or may not go to Clemson as well. I know that in the first few months at school, I am really going to be relying on these friends to keep reminding me that nothing is really different about me except that I'm wearing something new. They are so critical to the after-surgery stage, when I'm unsure of myself and my abilities to survive in the college environment. There is nothing more comforting than watching a friend see a potential barrier that could stand in my way and just stand up and smash it down for me without reflection. This happened several times last year at school, and just made me realize that many of the friends I've made are definitely of great quality, and I really am looking forward to many more years of friendship with these wonderful people!