Some links worth checking out...

Got these two links from a good friend of mine...thought the rest of you might be interested.

http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/hearing/coch.asp - gives a straightforward explanation of what a C.I. is and a little bit about how it works

If you really want to know even more, check out this additional link, it's got a bit more of a detailed explanation of the impact of C.I. and their development:
http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/hearing/coch_moreon.asp

I'm particular intrigued by the descriptions on the first page of why a C.I. is different from a hearing aid.

Also, on the second page, under the headings "Understanding how we hear" and just below that, "So how does a cochlear implant work?", there is some pretty insightful stuff.

Thanks for wanting to stay updated and for letting me know you're thinking of me when you see me...it's really starting to kick in that even though this is a big change, I have a lot of people who are there to make sure it won't be anything I can't handle! The prayers are especially welcomed and I think it's cool to know a bunch of my close friends (and my brother) will be at a high school youth conference in Montreat, North Carolina that same week of my operation. If there is any place that has shown me the power of God through prayer, it is definitely in Montreat!

June 8th is ten days away!

Accessorizing a Cochlear Implant

It's true...I can accessorize my implant. The other day, I received an email from my implant specialist asking what colors I wanted my implant to be. Unfortunately, they don't have orange...believe me, I checked. In the end, I chose to go with beige for the main part (which is similar to the color my hearing aid is now) and brown for the part that will magnetically attach to my head (which hopefully will blend in with my brown hair at the back of my head). Should work to be a good color scheme for me, and hopefully I can find a small white tiger paw sticker to put on the circular piece at the back of my head...what a way to shcw some school spirit!

In any case, the whole situation reminded me of an article I wrote my senior year of high school for our school newspaper, the Tribal Tribune. It is one of the best school newspapers in the country (if I might be so bold to say...definitely won our share of national awards) and it was definitely one of the greatest experiences of my high school career. If you're interested, check out Tribal Tribune website.

In any case, check out this article I wrote...I was proud of it and even though it applies to my hearing aid (as opposed to a cochlear) it still applies in either situation. By the way, I am finding it extremely hard to distinguish between a cochlear and a hearing aid...I'm so not used to the concept of ME having a cochlear, that I keep saying my hearing aid, and then I have to go back and say, wait, I meant my COCHLEAR!

Without further ado:

"The moment I heard about them, I had to get my hands on one.
CD quality sound.
The ultimate in providing clarity of voice.
Naturally balanced soud levels that provide the perfect settings for listening to music.
Automatic volume adjustment allows users to attain a preset volume at the push of a button? Completely unheard of.
Available in eight colors, including red and green. Are you kidding me?
All of these features provided by a battery the size of a dime. It sounds like a technological breakthrough too good to be true.
Brand new, top of the line, $2099 a piece. There was no question; the Senso Widex P38s were the best in the market.
So maybe you've never heard of them. Perhaps you want to purchase some for yourself. Maybe from all this you think I bought a pretty good sound system for my room or car.
Me? Own a stereo system? Yeah, right...I'm talking about my hearing aid.
Being a member of the "hearing aid club" has its share of interesting moments. Older citizens, who usually don't have cars loaded with accessories to brag about to their friends, instead brag about the accessories they have in their ears.
I should know, I've had some older adults want to compare the accessories and specifications of my hearing aid in some quirky contest of hearing aid superiority.
In all seriousness, I'm proud to be a member of the "hearing aid club." Granted, it has its drawbacks. But then again, if you could show me a non-handicapped person who doesn't suffer his or her share of unique problems, I'd be very surprised.
Overcoming the barrier of hearing impairment is just another one of the many challenges I've had the opportunity to deal with during my life. I strongly believe my hearing impairment is a way for me to prove to others that whatever handicaps - whether physical or emotional - people possess, we are all humans with the desire to love and be loved.
While I don't expect, or even ask for, pity from others, I do find myself in search of those with compassion. Compassionate people are more willing to do whatever it takes to put me on equal footing with them.
These people are willing to go the extra mile whether by including me in conversations, making sure I can hear them, or even turning to face me so I can read their lips. For these compassionate people, this doesn't take an extreme amount of effort, just a little more thought.
But to whom much is given, much is required. I can't ask for this sort of compassion from others without returning the favor. My hearing impairment has been a blessing in that it has made me more aware of the need to be forgiving and compassionate of other people's handicaps.
The next time you see someone struggling to overcome any sort of barrier, I challenge you to remember a time when someone helped you overcome a barrier of your own. Very few of us, especially me, would be where we are today if it weren't for the extra boost we've received from others along the way."

And there you have it. Hope you liked.

I'll post more soon...I've got some stuff running around in my head I might feel the need to get off my chest.

A Whole New Identity

It's been about ten days since I've last posted...but a whole lot has happened since then. With the prospect of a Charleston summer on the suddenly not-so-distant horizon, I had first to finish my exams. Fortunately, I did well on all of them, including the dreaded Caclulus II exam. After a late Physics exam Saturday, it was home to pack for a boat trip to Florida with dad and granddad that proved to be an incredibly relaxing way to start the summer.

Now, I'm back from my trips, and I'm able to sit back and really enjoy summer in Charleston....at least until my operation.

Speaking of the operation, we've learned in the last few days that it will be on June 8th. The exact time is yet to be determined, but it should probably be sometime midday, if not in the morning.

I've had a lot of people tell me in the last few weeks that they've been not only learning a bit more about cochlear implants from the website I posted on this blog, but they've also been keeping me in their prayers. It is a wonderful feeling to know that so many people are keeping track of what's going on and really want to know how things are. The last few days have given me plenty of chances to reflect, and one thing that I've come to conclude is that the operation is probably the least of my worries.

While I'm definitely optimistic that the operation will go well and that I will gain a great amount of hearing, I must admit that I do have worries. The operating table, however, is the least of my worries, as I've been operated on a number of times and have never really found it to be a terrible experience. Certainly one to be avoided if possible. In any case, I am more worried about adjusting to life after the operation...life with an implant. A cochlear implant is much more noticeable than a hearing aid...it's bigger and will stretch from my ear to the back of my head on the left side. Also, it definitely will sound different, and this will also require an adjustment.

I don't think the sounding different part will be a problem. I know it'll be frustrating at times, but I really do hope that it will not take much time for me to get used to the increased levels of sound and the different hearing experience with which they will bring. The changes in sound should be positive, for the most part, and so I can handle that. The change in appearance will be a little harder. While it may be easy for people to say that appearances don't matter, and that I shouldn't worry about this...it's very easy to TELL people this than to believe it yourself. Human nature causes people to naturally notice things that are out of place or foreign. A cochlear implant definitely falls on this list, as it is a very rare thing to see, and can definitely seem out of place at times. I know I've been guilty of 'noticing' a person with a cochlear more so than I would notice the 'regular' person standing next to them. It's just human nature and curiosity that draws people's attention to this sort of thing.

I really do feel like there will be a bit of an identity shift, and I'm not really sure how that will go. With my hearing aid, I've established an identity for myself that I am comfortable with. Knowing who I am and what I am capable of is and always will be an important part of my identity and how I put myself forth in the world. With a cochlear, I will be initially unsure of my capabilities and my limitations, it will take me a bit longer to learn these sorts of things. While it may be easy to think I can accomplish this by the end of the summer, it will all have been done in the safety of my home and surroundings in which I have lived these last ten years. The real challenge, I think, will come when I step back into the ever-changing uncertainties of the college environment at Clemson. Being independent certainly has its advantages, but in times like these, it can be especially scary because you have to deal with your problems on your own.

But, I'm not too terribly worried. Like I said, I have met so many great people in the last few years. Some I met at Clemson, others I've known much longer than that who may or may not go to Clemson as well. I know that in the first few months at school, I am really going to be relying on these friends to keep reminding me that nothing is really different about me except that I'm wearing something new. They are so critical to the after-surgery stage, when I'm unsure of myself and my abilities to survive in the college environment. There is nothing more comforting than watching a friend see a potential barrier that could stand in my way and just stand up and smash it down for me without reflection. This happened several times last year at school, and just made me realize that many of the friends I've made are definitely of great quality, and I really am looking forward to many more years of friendship with these wonderful people!

The Sound of Music...and I'm not talking about the movie!

I've come a long way in five years when it comes to music. I remember the first time I heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Scar Tissue" on the radio during the summer between my 7th and 8th grade years. I knew I had to have whatever CD that song was on, and so, I went to the store and found Californication, which became the first CD that I ever really bought for my listening enjoyment. Most of my friends really got into music around the fourth and fifth grades, and if they didn't, by sixth grade they were hooked on some combination of Backstreet Boys, N*SYNC and Britney Spears (well, at least the girls were!)...but for me, having such little hearing meant I had no real desire to listen to music that I couldn't understand.

One of the most difficult aspects of having a hearing impairment has been my inability to understand voices through a filtered medium, such as a TV or a radio. While I may be able to understand what a person in the same room as me is saying without having to read their lips, it is virtually impossible for me to understand what is said on the radio or on TV, much less what singers say in their songs. So, I always used the excuse that I couldn't hear what the singers were singing about as my reason for not being such a big music fan.

But the Red Hot Chili Peppers changed it all. While I didn't realize it then in the 7th grade, there's not a lot of concreteness to their lyrics. Most of the time they're singing about stuff that has multiple meanings, if there is any meaning at all. For them, it's all about the sound...from these guys, I learned that there is so much more to music than what the singer is saying (otherwise, they'd be poets, right?). The music itself should hold just as much sway (if not more) over listeners as what is actually being said.

Flea's killer bass lines and the guitar solos of John Frusciante introduced me to a brand new world that I had been missing out on for the past several years. Although I eventually began to move to other artists and expand my music collection to artists like Three Doors Down, Bob Marley, and Jack Johnson, I've always remained true to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I can remember spending hours in front of my radio with the lyrics in one hand and the other hand on the rewind button....just replaying the same song over and over trying to memorize the words and when they were sung...for me, it was a memorization process. For the rest of the world, it's easy to hear a song once and then remember it a second time around without having to 'memorize' anything...it just comes naturally...for me, it was definitely memorization since I couldn't really 'hear' the words in the song.

There's no doubt about it...music is so much more than the words. But, while my focus in music has always been on the sound of the music itself - those who know me and my music wouldn't be surprised to find that most of the music I listen to has some variations of heavy bass and/or a very distinctive beat - lately as my appreciation for music has grown, so has my desire to learn what message the artists are trying to convey through their lyrics. It's a painful and laborious process to learn them now with a hearing impairment, but I'm really hoping a cochlear implant will change all of that. It can be so laborious, in fact, that I've often just made up my own words to the popular songs on the radio...people would hear me singing my own version to myself and say, what are you singing? After telling them, they'd be like, are you sure those are the right words? Right words or not, it still gave me the sense that I fit in and could 'sing along' to whatever song was on the radio, albeit under my breath (unless, of course, I'm in the car alone!!! ;-) ).

From what I've heard/seen, my ability to understand speech could and should improve dramatically. I've even read reports from other successful implantees who comment on the fact that they no longer need closed captioning on TV. Surely, if they can understand the TV that well, then they can hear what's being sung on the radio! It could be a bit of a letdown, however, to find that what the artists are really saying isn't as good as what I've imagined them to be saying...oh well, guess we all have to make sacrifices!

Keep those fingers crossed! This has the makings of being something awesome in so many ways! And, the next time you listen to the radio...try not to focus on the words so much...let the music in the background take more importance than the lyrics...it might change your experience or even cause you to like an artist that you've never had much appreciation for in the past.

Here it is...the addicting opening lines of what still remains as one of my favorite songs from the best band of all time:

Scar Tissue

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you 'cause
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view

New webpage posted...

I'm adding the link to a webpage I've referred many of my friends to on the right side of this page. It's a great website created by a guy who has the same type of hearing loss as me. He also received a cochlear implant, and has created this website detailing his journey. He serves as the inspiration for this blog. You should defintely check out the sound files by clicking "cochlear implant" in the middle of the home page. Then, on the right side, click the link to "what it sounds like". He does a great job explaining the process and the details that I will have a hard time explaining, so definitely check this site out:

http://www.cochlear-implants.net

Also, for those of you about to read the following entries, be warned, they are long...but I suspect that as I start to get some of these feelings off of my chest, the entries will become more direct and to the point and not so erratic at times!

Enjoy!

Why an implant all of the sudden?

For years now, my ENTs have been touting the benefits of a cochlear implant. They, along with some people who were 'in-the-know' about this sort of thing (like Ed Szypulski back home!), have always told me that I would make a wonderful candidate for a cochlear. Unfortunately, for me, I took all these suggestions with a grain of salt. For me, I was just happy maintaining the status quo of wearing my hearing aids. As long as they were working well, I figured, why change a good thing? The thought of having a 'safety cushion' of a cochlear implant was one that comforted me greatly. I figured if anything ever went wrong with my hearing, I was in good shape because of the cochlear, and I also naively proclaimed that I was 'waiting' for better technological advances in cochlears before I would consider one. In reality, I think I really was just comfortable with my hearing aids and knew that I was more than capable of being successful in life with just a hearing aid. In case you don't know, I've only worn one hearing aid (in my right ear) for the last seven years. Don't really know what happened with the hearing in my left ear, but after I lost the hearing in my left ear, I went to just one in the right and that's when I first started hearing about a cochlear.

Having hearing in both ears makes a world of difference that some people may be unaware of. In fact, I was unaware of these differences until several years AFTER I'd stopped wearing a hearing aid in my left ear. I eventually realized that being able to hear in only one ear meant it was nearly impossible for me to locate the direction from which sounds were coming from. People would call my name, and I would frantically search for the person calling me (and feel like an idiot in the process). Apparently with hearing in both ears (and I later read about this in one of those "Deaf-people" magazines), the brain is able to subconsciously tell which ear the sound is loudest in, and is then able to locate the sound. For example, the sound coming in the left ear is louder than the same noise's sound coming in the right ear, thus, the sound must be closer to the left ear, and the brain tells the head to look left. Make sense? I hope so...

This has been majorly frustrating...not to mention the fact that it gets VERY tiresome (and occasionally painful) having to hold my phone to my right ear any and every time I have a phone conversation with someone that lasts over twenty minutes. Believe me, I've had many of these! But for some reason, despite the frustrations with relying on the hearing in my right ear only, I never really fully understood that I could actually consider getting a cochlear in my left ear to complement the hearing aid in my right ear.

I must stress, however, that I don't think this is the fault of my ENTs or anyone else for that matter. I think the fact that I never TRULY considered a cochlear before this semester, despite seven years of using the limited hearing in my right ear, is a testament to the fact that I've been able to do so well in spite of the limited amount of hearing I've had the past few years. There were problems and trials, but nothing I was unable to overcome (was it God? I think so!)

So back to this summer and actually deciding on a cochlear implant...

Over Christmas break (the first one home from college!), without warning, I lost my hearing in my right ear. I remember it like it was yesterday...my world just absolutely crashed around me, without warning, during one of the happiest periods of my life. I was sitting on the couch, in an empty house, watching TV (on mute) when I felt my cell phone vibrating. Opened my phone to see that it was Mandy C. calling me, and when I answered the phone, her voice sounded very far away. I thought my hearing aid had gone bad (like it does when I sweat), so I told her I'd call her back in a few minutes. I can usually hear on my cell without my hearing aid if I turn the volume up, so I did that and called her back without my hearing aid. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear anything, and I panicked and hung up...then I started freaking out. Mom came home, calmed me down, and we decided to give it a few days before calling the doctor. After a few days of no improvement, we visited MUSC and left without really being able to hear anything definitive as to the cause of my sudden loss of hearing other than "although it's unpredictable and we're not sure exactly what causes it, it can happen to people with your type of hearing loss". Well, great! That's what I wanted to hear!

So I got on a prescription of steroids and after about two weeks of no hearing, I felt like it was coming back...and sure enough, I put on my hearing aid and it was back for the most part. A week later, I went back to school, and three days later after returning to school, I went to the Clemson/UNC basketball game and absolutely cheered my heart out. We lost, but it was a fun game, until the next morning when my ear began ringing louder than anytime I've ever experienced. I called my mom, despite the fact that I could barely hear through the ringing noise, and as I spoke to her on the phone, I could actually FEEL my hearing slip away. The first time I lost my hearing over break was pretty bad...but this time, it was REALLY bad...not only was I slowly beginning to realize that this problem wasn't "over and done with," but now I was nearly 300 miles away from the two people who've fought alongside me every step of the way through my battle with a hearing impairment.

So, long story short, I kept getting back on the 'roids...but after that first prescription, with limited success. My hearing would come back about once a week or two, and would remain for two or three days before disappearing again, without warning. There seemed to be very little explanation for this. My already difficult second semester became even more stressful as I have been forced to learn concepts in two difficult classes (Calculus II and Physics) with absolutely no hearing. I'll probably mention a little more about this in a later entry...

In any case, about the only positive thing about losing my hearing for an extended period of time is that now I can officially say, despite being termed 'hearing-impaired', I TRULY know what it's like to be completely deaf. I am almost hunbled by experience of becoming accustomed to life without hearing. It was a constant challenge, and one that I would not have been able to do without supportive friends from PSA and elsewhere. The experience of living life as a completely deaf person has really changed a lot of my views on life and made me SO much more thankful for the blessing of EIGHTEEN years of at least SOME hearing. I know how hard it is to NOT rely on hearing vehicles when crossing the street...I HAD to look both ways, or cause an accident. I knew what it was like to not know the beauty of music. What it is like to not be able to call my parents. What it is like to have to tell friends that they couldn't call me...but they had to text me or IM me. What it is like to sit next to a girl with a charming personality and beautiful smile at a basketball game, yet be completely unable to strike up a conversation, for fear of looking like an idiot when having to explain why she would have to repeat herself or face me everytime she said something. Trust me, that's tough, especially in this college environment!

Fortunately, my hearing came back over spring break in a very limited fashion. I can hear fairly well enough to talk on the phone briefly. However, speech is much more distorted than it used to be, and I really have to rely on lip reading MUCH more than I did before break. But, even though my hearing seems to have stablized (it's been almost two months with my hearing back without losing it), I realized that I can no longer rely on my hearing to remain stable and consistent like I did before all of this happened. For that reason, the idea of a cochlear has looked MUCH more intriguing to me.

Thankfully, to allay any additonal fears I've had..my wonderful ENT has been there for me to talk this through with me and continually remind me that he believes I am a wonderful candidate for this operation. Having experienced the difficulties of being a hearing impaired person with limited hearing, I am in good shape to adjust to the initial differences in sound levels when I first receive my implant. There's so many factors, and i won't get into them now. I will say, however, that I think I'm in really good shape for this, and despite that, I continue to hope and pray for the best.

That about sums up how I ended up deciding to do this. If you're still reading this far, I definitely have to apologize for taking up so much space. I really do think that after the first few entries, after I start getting my thoughts off my chest more and more, that entries will become a bit more condensed and to the point. At least I hope so! Right now, there's so many thoughts running around in my head that it's very easy to get off topic and go on another tangent, as I did a few times in this entry.

Nonetheless, it's a very relaxing and liberating experience to allow my hands to just type my thoughts as they come to me...

Now, I am in college, and I have exams to study for and a HUGE load of laundry to do!

123 days to Clemson Tiger football and 5 more days until home to Chucktown!